How to Take a Dump at the Office

It’s a very challenging hurdle when u need to take a dump at the office.

In case any of you need help,  here are my tips:

1)  Try to take a shit when you initially feel your sphincter contracting. Waiting too long can build up a powerful and obnoxious sounding blast when u finally release

2) As you walk to the Jon, try to act as if everything is ok. Do not act as if you are about to relieve yourself of a 10 couric cannonball.

3) As you enter the Jon, casually scan the parameters to ensure the area is empty

4) If the area is not empty, do your best to approximate the remaining time needed for the people in the Jon. This will help you later when it becomes fight or flight time for the release of your master turd.

5) Choose your stall wisely, and without looking too devious. Look for piss-free seats, plenty of toilet paper, and if possible, a current newspaper or magazine.

6) Make sure you lock your stall. Getting caught in the Jon is an image that will never fade from your boss’s mind.

7) Unbutton and unzip in a calm manner. Snapped buttons and jammed flies are for amateur shitters.

8) As you prepare for deployment, breathe slowly and gradually. Exerting too much force may result in a thunderous blow that may shake the stalls. To avoid this, there are a few options:

a) The “cough-push.” Simply cough from your upper orifice, and simultaneously push out of your lower.

b) The “flusher.” A half second before you flush, begin your push. This will allow the thunderous boom and its vibrations a second or two to ricochet off the stall walls while your toilet drowns out the noise. Warning: Only available for manual flushers- automatics will rarely work.

c) The “ruffle.” Use your newspaper or magazine to your advantage by masking your thunder.

* Depending on the flavor and good-naturedness of your work environment, a thunderous blow may be viewed as impressive. It may encourage your boss and coworkers in the Jon to peer under the doors to check your shoes, which would be followed by a verification of your identity by checking your shoes while you work in your cubicle, which would later be followed by a high five, a serious nod of approval, or a simple wink of the eye. In this case, you’re golden- a god of the workplace.

9)  In the case that you will require extraordinary amounts of toilet paper, reel off two or three times the amount you need before you tear it off. Doing this minimizes the rattling sound you make when you struggle to rip the paper from the dispenser. Experienced shitters look down on excessive rattling.

10) Tuck in your clothes and wipe the sweat off your brow before you exit the stall. This is standard protocol, and nobody will care if you take a couple extra seconds to present yourself properly.

11) Check your shoes and waistline for leftover toilet paper. Forgetting this step will forever brand you as an amateur shitter.

12) Exit the stall like you are Napoleon, and you just capped off another stage of domination in continental Europe. This sort of confidence shines in the Jon.

13) Wash your hands thoroughly, and prepare for another couple hours of brainstorming for your next “How To ____ In The Office”